No, no, hear us out!
We regularly get news about Warner Bros. trying to push the Hollywood live-action adaptation of Attack on Titan (Shingeki No Kyojin), and the idea seems terrifying, because the majority of Hollywood adaptations, while they look very high-quality, lack the idea and the substance. But that's not gonna stop us from speculating who can play who, because hey, it's fun! Cringey, yes, but fun!
What did we use when compiling this list? Just our knowledge of the modern (and not so modern) Hollywood landscape. And let's say that the first movie would probably adapt the events of the first season of anime, so we'll take the characters that were prominently featured in the events depicted in this timeframe. We don't take age into account, because that's not important for this list. What's important is the overall feeling of the star-studded cast that may make you think: "Huh, yeah, this could work".
Eren Yeager — Timothée Chalamet
He's everywhere, so why shouldn't he play the protagonist of one of the most famous and influential modern anime franchises? Besides, Chalamet has the perfect vibrant greenish eyes that would fit Eren even without the lenses to alter them. And he can shout pretty well — and Eren does a lot of shouting.
Mikasa Ackermann — Karen Fukuhara
She can kick ass, she can look fierce while doing so, but she's also capable of looking soft and caring, and that's exactly what we want from Mikasa: this mix of being badass and cool and friendly for those who deserve her attention. Fukuhara is more than capable of delivering believably violent performances and doing some tender moments.
Armin Arlert — Nicholas Galitzine
He's getting pretty popular after the release of Red, White & Royal Blue, and he has shown his emotional range. If you think about his comedies, he can spew out nonsense with the straightest face ever, and although that's not the main quality for Armin, the fact that he can do that believably is commendable. Also he's cute, and Armin is cute, too.
Connie Springer — Daniel Radcliffe
Connie is jumpy, agile, a little bit of a scaredy cat at first, and Radcliffe, we think, can embody that part of him very well. Despite that, he ends up staying alive throughout the first season of the show, and he shows a proper character growth throughout the training, so the dramatic development is also present, and Radcliffe is great at portraying that.
Sasha Braus — Chloë Grace Moretz
There's something naively childish in Sasha, right? So maybe we should cast someone who can still channel this childishness while also dealing with the heaviness of being the part of the Corps and encountering death on a regular basis. We think Moretz will be able to perfectly mix these two parts of Sasha's personality.
Jean Kirstein — Daniel DiMaggio
He has an amazing brow game that works perfectly for a character like Jean. He's hot-headed and easily frustrated, his mind going through the rollercoaster of emotions fifteen times a day, so brows are really important for this type of character.
Marco Bott — Tom Holland
We really wanted to put Sean Bean here, but decided against it, because with him Marco's fate would be too obvious. So we went with Holland, because it seems a little bit ironic how Marco's life ends mid-swing.
Levi Ackermann — Dane DeHaan
Did you see his eyebags? Did you hear his voice, uncharacteristically low and viscous for a person of his looks? It's perfect. Sure, he's not as tiny as Levi should be, but careful positioning of actors and smart angling will do the trick and make him the right size. And he can do action scenes pretty well.
Erwin Smith — Henry Cavill
We know that a lot of people fancast Chris Evans for this role, because he's blond and, well, he played Captain America, but there's a reason why we chose Henry Cavill: while he's also capable of creating this leadership vibe that Evans is known for, he can also properly portray being extremely violent if it's right for the cause, and it would look organic. And, yes, we also want to see him all covered in the belts of the Corps' uniform. Guilty as charged.
Reiner Braun — Chris Evans
We still found a place for Evans in our cast, and we think this is the perfect one for him. Although, honestly, it's easily interchangeable with the previous one, but Cavill currently holds a little bit more charm that would make people want to follow him even if the only thing that awaits you on this journey is death. But Evans can become a perfect Reiner: he can show being loyal to a fault and fully embracing doing his all for the cause he believes in. And look menacingly cool while doing that.
Ymir — Aubrey Plaza
Do we really have to explain ourselves? Plaza has proven herself to be good at action and at drama, and although the timeframe that we're talking about doesn't ask for a lot of dramatic moments with Ymir, we're looking at a feature. For now, though, the signature RBF of Plaza would work flawlessly for Ymir, one who's extremely skilled and maybe thinks a little bit too much about what she's gonna do later when the opportunity will arise.
Krista Lenz — Ava Elizabeth Phillippe
Yes, we are using this name for now, because it's highly unlikely that the first Attack on Titan movie adaptation will cover this character's backstory, so no need to dive further and use the other name that we'll encounter later. So, someone who has a slightly regal vibe but still can be down to earth and a little out of this world? We're casting Reese Witherspoon's daughter for this role. Maybe that would be her great cinema debut.
Hange Zoe — Noomi Rapace
Zoe needs to look believably unhinged and unrestricted in this insatiable need for knowledge, and a little bit psychotic, maybe. And Rapace is capable of showing all this whirlwind of emotions of her face, making it look positively scary in the most intense moments.
Annie Leonhart — Emma Stone
It's time for Stone to star in an action movie as the action star and not a damsel in distress, and Annie's role is perfect for that. Stone is pretty good at giving side-eyes and exhausted eye-rolls, and that's the majority of Annie's interactions with other characters in this part of the story, but also she is capable of channeling this "I'm cooler than you"-vibe in a very effortless way.